Friday, December 01, 2006

My Testimony

I will give a simple testimony, and some thoughts about seeking God.

I was not brought up in a Christian Home.

Indeed my Mother who raised me on her own - Had decided to have nothing to do with God ever again after a bad experience with some religious folks.

My Dad died of a heart attack when I was just 6 Months old. I was brought up as an only Child.

When I was five and we prayed in assembly in school (The Lords Prayer I think), I came home and told my Mum about it, she said "Who did you pray to?"

I answered "Just Ourselves" - I had never been told that there was a God.

Now moving on until I was about 10-12 Years old, I began to have a feeling that there could be a God.

I asked my Mum to take me to a Church. She went White and was not happy about this, but she still took me. She took me to a Baptist Church.

The Minister / Youth Leader / and Christians told me that, If I wanted to go to Heaven When I die, I need to ask Jesus into my heart and I will get the free gift of Salvation, Jesus will save me and I would go to Heaven.

The condition was that I needed to believe in Jesus and that He died on the cross for my sins.

My thoughts were along the lines of "A free ticket to Heaven - Yes please", "I believe He died for me and I believe in God"

I prayed for the Lord Jesus to come into my heart and save me.

Nothing seemed to happen.

I went to Church for a few more weeks and tried to read the bible. I couldn’t understand much of it, and it seemed strange and irrelevant.

I found Church to be boring.

I remember clearly when I decided to leave.

We were singing a song that went like this.

There's something more than gold,
There's something more than gold,
To know your sins are all forgiven is something more than gold

I thought to myself, "Well, I'll take the gold any day"

So I left.

I was quite miserable as a teenager and often had thoughts of suicide. I cried myself to sleep on many nights in my youth.

My reasoning was that nobody loved me, so life was not worth living, I believed my Mum did not love me because she had not been there for me as a child (She was working), No girl loved me - I couldn't get a girlfriend. And God (if He existed) most certainly did not love me; otherwise he wouldn't have given me this awful life.

I decided to ring a girl I had fancied in the Church to ask her out (I was about 13 or 14).

If she said no, I decided in advance that I would kill myself.

I rang, she said no, so I the next morning I walked out of school before classes and got the bus home and stole all the pills I could get my hands on (about 500+ minimum pills)

Sleeping pills, paracetamol, all different kinds.

I walked to the local park and swallowed, all the pills, using the water from the sink in the park toilets.

I walked around the park briefly, suddenly everything looked better, the sun was out, the kids were laughing and playing on the swings.

I thought maybe life is ok for some. But not for me I wanted to die to escape the pain of living.

I had the thought, what if there is a hell.

I answered in my mind - "If there is I'm stuffed, out of the frying pan into the Bl***y fire, stuff it I can't stand living here anyway."

So I went to a thick thorny hedge and crawled into the middle of it so I wouldn't be found for weeks.

This was not a cry for help, I wanted to die!

I felt terrible pain in my body, as though my blood felt dirty, everything began to fade out and I said to myself, this is it I'm a dead man.

I woke seemingly instantly somewhere else. I couldn't see anything, other than a yellow colour (like when you shut your eyes and see black, only yellow).

Then I heard a voice - I have never heard any voice so powerful before or since. It was incredible; it was terrifying but also full of love. (I didn't know it then but a perfect description would be "as the voice of many waters")

I will never forget the words that it said.


As soon as the words finished, I woke up, and to my amazement felt fine. Then I sat up and about 5ml of liquid came out of my mouth and landed on the leaves on the ground.

I thought I was hallucinating and would soon die, because the liquid was like paint, in separate colours red, yellow, blue, green etc. like a rainbow, I was really puzzled by this.

Somehow now, I didn't want to die.

I thought about the voice and wondered in my mind - Was that GOD?

I went home to my empty house, Mum was at work, I went home expecting to die any moment. A couple of hours passed, nothing happened to me.

Mum came home and asked how I was and why had I not been at school.

I told her that I had the cold.

I never had any medical treatment and never suffered any side effects.

My life continued, I did not become a Christian or a better person, I was still miserable.

Then I met a girl that I liked a lot called Alison, she was going out with my best friend, but they seemed to breaking up.

One night walking home after a party (I was about 19-20) I said to God (Not Jesus, I did not believe in Him because I had tried asking Him to save me and nothing happened so I knew He didn't exist). I want Alison!

I immediately heard a voice in my head which said - "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR, YOU MIGHT JUST GET IT."

I was stunned to hear this - so I though about whether I wanted to go out with her or not? - I decided I did, and I said to God - I still want her.

Within 1 week, I was sitting at home watching MTV - Dream Lover by Mariah Carey - I think, I said to myself, if I don't get to go out with Alison, I will kill myself.

I had dismissed the experience of the voice as due to the drugs I had taken, on my first suicide attempt. Although I couldn't explain to myself why I had not died or even been ill.

That Night to keep a long story short - I did get Alison as my girlfriend.

We went out for years - I loved her and we bought a house together - I idolized her, she was all I wanted in a girl.

I got an easy Job and a nice house, I wasn't rich, but I didn't want to be. I had got all the things I had wanted - someone to love me and a nice life.

We had a lot of friends in the street who were our age and we would have parties in our houses - lots of fun - drinking, watching TV, eating out.

It was at this time when, I had got everything I thought I ever wanted, that I started to consider life.

I still felt unfulfilled even though I had all that I wanted.

I said to myself, there must be more to life than this...

I began to look at the fields and lake that I lived beside, and I thought there must be a higher power that made these things, I always loved biology and science at school, and desired to be a vet or a scientist. But when I considered the evolution theory, it seemed to me to be so ridiculous that random chance would produce great order and structure, and anyway I thought what banged in the supposed big bang, I dismissed it as foolishness in my mind.

So that left me thinking, who or what made the world.

It was the 1st of January in the year 2000; I had been at a new year’s party the night before, drunk etc.

I woke up and a revelation just hit me - very clearly a crystal clear thought "GOD IS REAL". I was 24 years old at the time.

I was so shocked by this that I think I mentioned it to Alison, she said maybe we should go to Church, I dismissed that idea. I knew that the Christians didn't know God, they were all wimps who couldn't get any miracles or do anything, and I had tried it and it did not work!

I started to think about what God must be like, I decided, after thinking through suffering and various other things that happen in the world that God must be one of two types of God.

1. All good, but not all powerful. - Yes powerful enough to make the world, and all the stuff, but now things had gotten out of control for Him, and even though He was a good God, Who was doing His best for the world, there was a lot he couldn't manage to fix - like starving millions in Africa etc etc etc.

2. Not all good, but all powerful. - Yes all powerful, but more of a personality, like a man; likes some people, hates others, hence if He liked you, you got a good life, and if He hated you, He gave you a life of misery, suffering and a horrible death. I thought he could be prone to mood swings, get easily angered or be unfairly good to others.

I decided on a bus to work that no matter what God was like it would be best if possible to know Him. I thought, if He is all good, I want to know Him; and even if He isn't I think it would be better to be His friend rather than enemy.

So I said in my heart - "God, If you are real, I want to know you!"

I immediately thought of praying but I answered that with a quick response --- "and I don't mean talking to the wall, I mean I want to know you. If you have made people able to talk, then you can talk, if you created speech then you can speak!" "If you reveal yourself to me, I will do what you want."

Nothing seemed to happen.

Thinking about this, I decided to look into who might already know God. I thought about religion, I knew it wasn't Christianity that was right, so I thought about Islam, maybe they know God (there was no terrorism stuff from Muslims that I was aware of back then.)

So knowing that I was ignorant of many things, and didn't yet know God, I went to the town’s main bookstore to buy a copy of the Koran.

I located a copy and stretched out my hand to lift it, but as I did so my whole arm went ice cold from the shoulder to the tips of my fingers, it seemed as cold as if someone had poured dry ice on it.

Startled and frightened, I looked around the shop to see if there was anything that could have made my arm this cold. There was nothing, everyone else was calmly going about their business. I immediately decided not to try and buy the Koran after all, and hastily left the shop.

Instead, I began to read books by Carl Jung, he claimed to have spiritual experiences - strange dreams and was rated by many as a great thinker.

I read one of His books which described a dream about God, I thought it was too strange and I decided this guy did not know God.

I also read some of Freud; I quickly realized this man was sick in the head.

None of this helped me at all, and since I had said in my heart - "God, if you are real, I want to know you!" I had been thinking about what God must be like a lot of the time, and whether he was all good or not.

Then it happened, I was lying under a sun bed in my house and I heard a voice inside my head - say two words


I knew it wasn't my thoughts because I thought in my ignorance the word was pronounced Job as in get a Job.

But the voice pronounced it correctly saying read JOB as in the book of JOB (pronounced Jobe, like lobe).

I was very surprised by this, and was not a person who regularly heard voices in my head.

I told Alison, she was surprised and said, maybe you should read it.

Next day I strangely forgot about it and opened my Carl Jung book, all I could see down the page I was reading was Job.......Job...Job, Job. Carl Jung had never mentioned the bible before or any books in it that I had noticed. So I said to myself, I'm definitely going to read Job tonight after work.

During the day I considered that God had told me to read Job, and thought this must mean that The Jew's knew God or the Christians.

I was astonished to think that the Christians could be right, and still dismissed that, but when I thought of being a Jew, I sure didn't fancy wearing black coats and having a strange beard.

That night I read the book of Job in my NIV youth Bible, which I still had from my brief Church days in my youth.

I read the whole book, all 42 Chapters because I was sure God had told me to.

I hardly understood any of it, it seemed to be one big nightmare for Job, then after lots of reading - God spoke to me for the first time ever from the Bible.

When it happens you know that it's happened.

The verse he spoke to me cut me to the heart. It addresses all of Humanity as one, so I knew finally something in the book would apply to me from God.

It was JOB CHAPTER 28 VERSE 28. I will never forget it.

Job 28:28 And this is what he says to all humanity: 'The fear of the Lord that is wisdom; and to turn from wickedness is real understanding.'"

I was stunned by the idea that I should fear God, I had heard that the fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, but this said that the fear of the LORD is Wisdom.

I stopped reading and said out loud "what's wickedness." Immediately my mind was flooded with things that God was saying was wickedness, too many to mention - some of them were getting drunk, sleeping with my girlfriend, swearing, etc. etc.

I answered these accusations inside by saying things like, I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm not hurting anybody; it's not wrong to be with my girlfriend, I love her. etc etc.

But the feeling that these things were wrong just got stronger.

I thought, what I have I got myself into, if this is real, I'm in big trouble.

I read to the end of the book of Job - and understood that Job was a man who questioned what God was doing when His life was totally ruined, but God answers Him with a series of Questions, which he cannot answer and He realizes, and I realized That God knows everything and how can a mere man think to beat his maker in thought and argument about right and wrong and what should or shouldn't happen.

I realized I needed to listen to God a whole lot more than he needed to listen to me.

I was humbled and realized that God was all good and all powerful even though in my puny thoughts I had concluded otherwise.

I was still not a Christian, but I now knew that the bible was God's word - (otherwise He wouldn't have told me to read it).

So every morning going into work on the bus I read the New Testament, I also started going to a church with Alison, her new friend from college had been inviting her for weeks.

Reading the New Testament and believing it was amazing. I realized only one thing though, which was, if this is all true then I am definitely going to HELL.

I read about the kind of life that a Christian should live, it seemed impossible; also every thing I seemed to do or enjoy in life, the bible was calling a sin!

For two and a half Months I did not repent and give my life to God - Even though I now knew it was all true.

On probably the best day of my life I finally gave in, and on my knees at home, repented of my sins and asked God to forgive me for making a mess of my life and to save me.

Nothing seemed to happen, (and a thought said to me - See it isn't real - it didn't work last time either.)

This time was going to be different though and I went to bed in a separate bed from Alison that night.

When I woke up, I felt no different, but remembered that I had committed my life to Jesus Christ.

I went to work, knowing that I was not born again yet, I was scared in case I died and went to Hell.

When I went to work a verse kept coming to mind -

Matthew 10:32 "Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven.

So I wanted to tell someone so that God would save me.

I went to the nicest guy I knew and said

"Simon - At the weekend I gave my life to Jesus Christ - I'm going to live for God."

He said something like "Are you serious, my parents are Christians, that’s good Dave."

I didn't care what He said, I just wanted God to save me right there and then.

Nothing seemed to happen.

Desperate now - I went to the most ignorant guy in work, who mocks everyone and said something like

"Nigel at the weekend I became a Christian, I'm going to live for Jesus Christ"

He laughed at the top of his voice and shouted - Dave's a Christian - I give you 2 weeks at the most.

I didn't need to tell anyone else because nearly everyone heard him.

I was embarrassed and sat down at my desk to start work.

I was in despair, I really knew I wanted to be born again, but couldn't make it happen.

I felt like giving up because I knew if God did not change me that I would go back to sinning all the time before long.

But in all my weakness and despair I said to the LORD, even if you don't save me I'm going to live for you anyway.

I started to work almost crying.

At that moment my whole inside was instantly transformed by the Power of the Almighty God he had saved me in an instant!

I knew I was born again, and that all my sins had just been forgiven, I felt clean for the first time in my life.

Suddenly I had clear access to heaven, it was like a great invisible barrier had been removed and the voice of God spoke to me so clear.

He said


I wanted to run around the room with joy, I felt brand new - I was a new man - All desire for drinking just left me.

I stopped blaspheming and swearing with no trouble at all, I had a brand new heart.

If you ever get this you will KNOW for sure.

That night in bed was the first time in my life that I lay down and had wonderful peace - knowing 100% that God had forgiven me, that He is real and that He loves me, and that I was going to Heaven and living forever.

It is so wonderful to know these things.

I have much more to say especially about many miracles I have experienced. (I would not live for a God that could not do miracles, or really reveal Himself)

No one witnessed to me, it was God that drew me to Himself and saved me. I thank Him for his grace which I don't deserve.

I love Him with all my heart and would die for Him; after all He did die for me.

To those who do not yet believe - When people used to tell me about Jesus when I was growing up, it meant nothing to me.

I can sympathize with your situation, and not believing.

There is however an answer to life’s question?

All you need to be is sincere, there are many people who are not sincere, and are so proud that they think they know all about all aspects of life and how the world is here, they think they have it sussed even though they have only lived for a few short years.

But if you are a sincere person, no matter what you believe or don't believe.

I recommend (only if you really want to) that you say to God like I did - God - If you are real, I want to know you.

If you are sincere and you would obey Him as God once you know Him - He will reveal Himself to you.

If you are not sincere or would reject Him as God if he revealed Himself to you, He is very, very unlikely to reveal Himself to you, and you will see Him in your mind as torturous.

Just like the Bible promises you would see Him as.

Psa 18:25 With the merciful you show yourself merciful; with the blameless man you show yourself blameless;
Psa 18:26 with the pure you show yourself pure; and with the crooked (devious, False) you make yourself seem tortuous.
Psa 18:27 For you save a humble people, but the haughty eyes you bring down.

Also banding together to strengthen each other in the false way won't ultimately help you.

Pro 11:21 Though hand join in hand, the wicked shall not be unpunished:

I hope there is even one among you who will consider these things and be simple and sincere with himself.

If my testimony helps save even one man or woman in my whole life, then my whole life has been worthwhile

Joh 18:37 Pilate therefore said to Him, "Are You a king then?" Jesus answered, "You say rightly that I am a king. For this cause I was born, and for this cause I have come into the world, that I should bear witness to the truth. Everyone who is of the truth hears My voice."

If you have never heard His voice - you have something that is not true in you - be real with God and He will be real with you.

Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

I have much more to say especially about being raised from the dead. But I must go to bed now.

I leave you with this passage of scripture

Act 17:24 "God, who made the world and everything in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands.
Act 17:25 "Nor is He worshiped with men's hands, as though He needed anything, since He gives to all life, breath, and all things.
Act 17:26 "And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings,
Act 17:27 "so that they should seek the Lord, in the hope that they might grope for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us;
Act 17:28 "for in Him we live and move and have our being, as also some of your own poets have said, 'For we are also His offspring.'
Act 17:29 "Therefore, since we are the offspring of God, we ought not to think that the Divine Nature is like gold or silver or stone, something shaped by art and man's devising.
Act 17:30 "Truly, these times of ignorance God overlooked, but now commands all men everywhere to repent,
Act 17:31 "because He has appointed a day on which He will judge the world in righteousness by the Man whom He has ordained. He has given assurance of this to all by raising Him from the dead."
Act 17:32 And when they heard of the resurrection of the dead, some mocked, while others said, "We will hear you again on this matter."

I know some of you will mock - men have not changed since that time - but I hope others who read this will say like the other men did "We will hear you again on this matter."

Wise men still seek JESUS.

If this Gospel is worth anything, it is worth everything.

Don't accept the weak false version of Christianity that abounds in our day. Be real and go for the real thing, do not rest until you have experienced God's salvation for yourself, there is nothing greater to be had.

I used to say, I'll take the gold, But now I say Just give me Jesus.

I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold;
I'd rather be His than have riches untold:
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands.
I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hand

Than to be the king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin's dread sway.
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.

I'd rather have Jesus than men's applause;
I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I'd rather have Jesus than worldwide fame.
I'd rather be true to His holy name.

He's fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;
He's sweeter than honey from out the comb;
He's all than my hungering spirit needs.
I'd rather have Jesus and let Him lead


Anonymous said...

Hi Darius,

I found your blog through the website I was encouraged to read your life story. It is so true what you say!! I've a friend who also got to know God through reading Job.

Blessed be the holy name of our Lord Jesus, the one that died for us when we were sinners.

A brother in Christ.

Anonymous said...

Hello Darius,

I just finished your Testimony and have found it inspiring. God Bless. Much like yourself, I've had my own life filled with sin and have come to the LORD. Romans 6:21 and James 1:15 have particular relevance to me at the moment in speaking of this.

Best wishes.

Anonymous said...

We did speak for a short time early hours of saturday morning..
Everything i spoke to u about,and a friend from across the seas at the same time has played on my mind the last few days!Just ten mins ago,i decided to read through ur testimonoy,And so much rings a bell in my head!I have a real sinful past which i am not scared to admit and tell anybody about!Drugs,partying,depression/anxiety (to this day) And at times few years back suicidal thoughts,bullied as a young teen,which is only really starting to leave me now!My mother has been good living for most of my 30 years of life,And i know that makes her the most amazing lady alive..And has now taking her christianity to new levels with her mission trip in rwanda!I to keep questioning,and hoping and dreaming that god will help me,i know hes real,and that i wont give up on,slowly i see changes in my life,at nights i do shed tears espec lately!Wishing i could change my life inside out,as im not getting any younger and life is short!i to have had many realistic dream/vissions of god,that is enough to prove to e hes alive and kicking!!!Not eas,but slowly step by step im getting real signs,And one real 1 ive had tonight is from ur testomony!Pray for me!..

David said...

Hi, I remember you well from Saturday.

I tried to post a private message to you on facebook, but it wouldn't let me because of your preferences.

So great to hear from you, the things you are describing remind me so much of how I was before I got saved, I believe that God is at work in your life. (I would never say that lightly or to just anyone.)

I will pray earnestly for you, have you called on the Lord Jesus Christ out loud yet?

Are you reading the bible? I read the bible every night in bed before I got saved, God will build your faith as you read Phily.

God reaches out to us, but it is so important not to turn away, we don't get unlimited chances to repent, only He can save us.

May God give you much grace Phily - My life now is so different to what it was then and I'm so thankful to God.

Please do stay in touch with me on facebook by private message, and let me know how things are with you. I will be the happiest man in Belfast if you get born again for real. If I can help you in any way I will, nothing more important than your soul.

We go to Whitewell, I don't know if you have ever been, you are more than welcome to come down with us, or you could go yourself. Church won't save you, but God does speak through the men of God there, I went to church for a few weeks before I repented of my sin.

What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world and then loses His own soul?
Short term gain; for an eternity of pain.

But His love for those that are His own is everlasting - He heals you completely when you truly give all to him.

Nothing like the Love of the Lord.

John 13:1
...having loved his own which were in the world, he loved them unto the end.